Finding Faith
by Clog
Summary: This story focuses on Kailyn's life and the death of her brother. Through his death she finds a friend who wants to help her to find God. But will she succeed? Rated over 13 because there are uses of mild swearing. The beginning is quite bad, so skip it i
1. Chapter 1 The Funeral

If in the beginning there was nothing then surely, there must have been something. Because if there was nothing, then how could something have happened to produce the universe we have today. Yes? Or am I just confusing you?

Realistically, can we ever find out the truth about the earth? Think logically. Lightning produces some kind of cell to become the wonderful humans we have today. Lightning? Where did that come from? "The gas that was in the universe." Hey? Who said anything about a universe! Where does that come into it? If there was nothing, then, there was nothing. So, however the universe got here, there had to have been something that affected something else to stop the nothingness. That is of course assuming that the universe had a beginning. If not, then I'm afraid you have me stumped.

I'm a logical person. I enjoy solving hard problems, and everything has to happen for a reason. I'm not happy unless someone has a perfect explanation. Take chemistry for example. I have to know where one chemical came from to produce another chemical. Otherwise what is the point in learning if you don't know it all? And I can't stand people who say 'Because it just is'. What kind of answer is that! I guess this is why my story is so unique. It has a twisting plot or story line. Something that's totally unexpected. I suppose you could say I contradict myself somewhat – but that's your decision, just like I made mine.

The only times I visited church was with my Primary School. It was a traditional and formal event in which the whole school part took. It wasn't exactly encouraging. We were made to say prayers, which were pre-written for us as if we had no mind of our own, have mass and sing hymns. Most of which were very high and we sounded very out of tune. The Vicar was ok, he did his best to encourage us, but I mean when your 11 and younger can you really make anything exciting when you are sitting and being forced to believe in Something you don't? There was of course the odd wedding. The church was always freezing cold and there was the usual sobbing mothers and the best man who had the crappiest speech but people still congratulated him. Never though, had I pictured myself at my brother's funeral.

His name was Ryan. He was a good guy. Two years older than me, he'd been the one person I could rely on and speak to. He'd never come home drunk, tried a cigarette, or tried any drugs so he said.

He'd died when going on holiday with some friends on the flight home. It was some kind of festival meeting thing. He hadn't really told me about it. Even though he invited me. It was the first time he'd been away from home for more than a week. Mum was doing the usual parental worries and checks. It's only at times like these you begin to see the reason behind those checks. For example if she hadn't of insisted he phoned us every other day, I wouldn't have spoken to him in over two weeks. It's strange. There was something about the last time I spoke to him. It's like he knew. He ended with 'Take care of mum and dad until I see you next.' It doesn't sound like much. But to me, I can see now, the relevance of that. It was most probably totally innocent. But to me, looking back, it was the only thing that makes any sense out of all of this.

As I sat in the pew of the church I felt a lump in my throat. It was by far the worst day of my life. It was like everything in my life had stopped. Everyone was trying to be sympathetic but they made me feel worse. Mum had been sobbing next to me. Dad had put his arms around her. I felt so alone. It was just 3 of us, that's an odd number. I remember the tears rolling down my face. He was the only person I could ever talk to, he was the only one who listened and really cared for me. And he was gone. There seemed no point in living; I couldn't see how my life would ever go on. I had felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around and there was a girl behind me. She had her eyes closed. Her head was down and her mouth was moving very slightly. I knew she as praying. But because I was not a believer in God I found this strange and scary almost. It was by far, however, the nicest thing anyone had done for me since my brothers death. I didn't know what to do. Should I close my eyes also? I turned back around, still with her hand on my shoulder. When I felt it leave, I realized how reassuring it was just having that hand there. I didn't believe what she was doing would help me, but I felt comforted all the same.

When the funeral was over we, my mum, my dad and I, followed the coffin out to the cemetery. That was the worst moment. I was given a flower to throw down to his coffin as I passed the grave. I saw no point to this; he didn't even like flowers. I watched it fall to the coffin. I couldn't imagine his body in there. Ryan was in that coffin! I still can't imagine him in that box today. It was just wood. I thought he deserved so much more than that. We then rejoined the rest of the mourners. My mum put her arm around me, and the other around dad. I remember just shrugging it off. I just wanted to talk to Ryan again. Talk to him about what I was feeling, I didn't want anyone else.

After a few minutes the other people left the graveside to go to the village hall. The 'organizers' as I have nicknamed them, from the church, had organized tea and cakes. Mum persuaded me that we had to show our faces. I didn't want to. I didn't want to be fussed over, hugged and given sympathy from people I barely knew. I just wanted to be alone; have some time to myself.

" You can go to the grave when it's been filled in." Mum had suggested. I didn't see the point in this either. What would I gain? What would I think, or say to him? However it would be a good excuse to be alone. It was a good excuse to get away from what seemed like a celebration of my brother's death.

I approached the grave. It was filled in. I don't know what I would have done if it was still open. I remember it was a mound of soil, with big bouquets of flowers on it. There was no one else around me. I was the only one there. I could hear the birds and the slight rustle of the trees in the cooling breeze.

I didn't want to approach the grave. It was too new, and fresh. The flowers were too bright and cheerful. I bent down to the flowers. In each bouquet there were small labels. Written to Ryan. It made no sense to me at the time. Why were they written to Ryan? He wasn't alive. He was dead; he couldn't read them. Many of them were written from people I had never met or heard of.

I picked up one label that was on the floor. It read: ' Rev 7:17. With love Lor xx'

I looked at it. Who was it addressed to? Me? Ryan? I knew it was from the Bible. But I didn't own a Bible, and I wasn't really into any of that stuff. After all, how could a God allow so much pain and death if he was peace and love? It didn't make sense to me.

" Revelation 7:17. Because the lamb at the centre of the throne will be the Shepherd." I looked up. It was the girl from earlier at the funeral. "He will lead them to springs of water that give life. And God will wipe away every tear from their faces." I looked at her once more. It was just a mixed up jumble of words to me. She continued. " It's ok to cry sometimes." She said. I smiled as best I could.

" But if I cry people ask me what's wrong. And sometimes I just don't want to talk about it." I said. It was true. If I cried and anyone saw all of a sudden they were all around me. I felt like a sheep trapped in its pen, not allowed to do anything.

" Fair enough. I left that card. Ryan told me it was one of his favourite verses in Revelation." I stood up dumb-founded. Ryan was a Christian? He had never told me. He didn't go to church on a Sunday. He had never quoted Bible passages to me. Why hadn't he told me? I suddenly felt as if he had sheltered me from the truth, we suddenly weren't as close as I thought. He had said he would never hide anything from me. I became angry.

" How did you know him?" I asked.

She looked at the floor and sort of gulped as if she didn't know what to say. " I was on that plane." She began. I could see the fear in her eyes.

" You don't have to go on. If you don't want." I had sensed her sudden reluctance.

" No, I have to say something. After all, you're his sister. We first met at school. Erm…I was new. He made me feel welcome. Then a few weeks ago he invited me to Summer Festival. He knew I was a Christian. It was a Christian event. Anyway, he was telling me all about his family, about you and his faith and stuff. After that we couldn't stop talking about God and stuff. He was a great guy." She paused. " He often spoke about how guilty he felt not telling you. He really wanted to. But, he just didn't know how." I partly understood. I mean something as life changing and massive like 'By the way I now believe in a God and that you're going to hell.' Must have been hard to say. But I still felt he should have said something.

" I guess I understand." There was a silence. We both looked down at the heap of earth in front of if us.

" So you're Lor, yes?" I began, attempting to break the on going silence between us.

" My name is Lauren but people call me Lor for short." She answered.

" I'm Kailyn, but you already know that." I said, trying to continue the conversation. My attempts were failing miserably. I looked down at the mound beneath me. He had so many secrets he had kept. If God was as great as Christians say then why wouldn't he have told me? Share the 'Good News'. Spread 'The Word'. Christians are weird. Why is there some who go on about us all going to hell? Then there are others who totally keep it to themselves and get all shy about it. There isn't an in between person. No one just gives you a little bit of the Bible or God. You either get the whole flipping lot or nothing! Why couldn't Ryan have been different?

I felt the same lump in my throat again. I didn't want to cry in front of someone I'd just met. Someone who had told me 'it's ok to cry' when it clearly isn't! I held back my tears, like you do when you need to cough in a class. The lump grew tighter and tighter. My vision became blurry with tears. I tried not to snivel. I just wanted to be alone, just for a little while, to cry without anyone around me. I felt a tear go down my cheek. That was it. Once I started I didn't know how to stop. I just kept thinking about Ryan. All the great times we'd had, when he made me laugh. I took a large gulp of air. I knew that was it. It was my giveaway. She would know now that I was crying. She'd ask me what was wrong and I'd feel awkward and stupid. I hated attention, especially when you only get it when something is wrong.

I knew she was coming over to me. I could feel it inside of me. There wasn't any noise of her footsteps but I just knew. I wiped my eyes. I didn't want her seeing me like this.

" You don't have to keep it in. Come here." She opened her arms out. I didn't really want a hug, I didn't want to be given sympathy or asked what was wrong, how she could help or be told how great Ryan used to be. She didn't wait for me to go to her; she came to me and hugged me. It didn't make me feel better. It was nice to know someone cared, but I didn't want to be hugged. I hated sympathy.

She sniffed. " You've got me going now."

" Why?" I snapped. It came out before I had a chance to process my brain. I put my hand over my mouth. "Sorry, I didn't mean to…"

" No it's ok." She said pulling out a false smile.

" It's just. Well I feel so alone. Although half of me wants to be left alone, the other half, well, doesn't."

" I know what you mean." She paused and looked up at me. " My Dad died of cancer a 4 years ago. I wanted to be left alone. But I felt so alone as well."

I suddenly felt guilty. I was only thinking about myself. Lauren had been through exactly the same and worse as me. My heart went out to her.

" I'm really sorry." I said with real meaning. It was the first time I'd meant anything since Ryan's death. I usually just go along with whatever feels right at the time. But this time I really meant it. She walked off further into the cemetery.

"Where are you going?" I asked after her. Although I wanted to be left alone, I also didn't want her to leave.

" I'm going to my Dad's grave." She answered unexpressionlessly. " I don't come here often, and well it doesn't seem right not going."

" Oh ok." I wanted to go with her. But I didn't want to intrude and be nosey. I stayed at Ryan's grave. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to talk to him, but I didn't want anyone else to hear.

I checked behind me. No one was there. "Ryan, I, I." I paused "I don't understand why you didn't tell me. Lauren said it was hard for you to. But why didn't you say something. We were really close." I paused once more. "Who am I kidding? You can't hear me. But if you can then, then…" I stopped. I felt stupid. There was no way he could hear me. He was dead. I looked at the small wooden cross placed at the head of the grave. Was it all really true? Was there a God out there? It was unlike Ryan to be wrong, about anything. I turned back around. I could see Lauren in the background. She was crouched down and taking out dead flowers. I picked up one of the flowers off Ryan's grave. He didn't need them. After all he didn't even like them.

I wandered over to Lauren. I didn't want to intrude. I was going to come up to her. But she looked upset and I could see her speaking to herself, or to her Dad. I left the flower where I was on the floor. I didn't want to be here anymore. It was full of sorrow and it held nothing but bodies. I turned around and headed back to the village hall. I probably wouldn't see Lauren again. I wanted to, but I couldn't see how. My thoughts turned back to Ryan. Mum said after the funeral she would sort out his things. I knew one thing about Ryan that Mum didn't. He had kept a diary. I didn't want Mum to pick it up and read it or throw it out. It was the one thing I had left that could remind me of the real Ryan.


	2. Chapter 2 The Park

Chapter 2 

Of course I didn't really want to read Ryan's diary. But I laid it down by my bed next to my lamp. I slumped down on my bed and stared at the bare ceiling above me. If I read a little, perhaps I would find other things about him I never knew. It called out to me. I wanted in one way to keep Ryan's feelings private and in that book. But, on the other hand, I just had to know more about him. One page wouldn't hurt. Would it? But it was full of secrets, one's I perhaps should never know. I was so confused. I guessed one page wouldn't hurt. I slowly picked up the diary and dropped it onto the floor. It landed, face down, with one distinct page open.

I read with curiosity. At first it seemed like an average diary. 'Today I did this, then I did that…' or that's how it began anyway. As I read more into it, it seemed as though it was more of a letter, rather than a record of feelings. I flicked back a page. It began 'Dear Mum'. I was scared at this. It was like a suicide note, except without the suicide bit I suppose. I wondered if there was any for me. I flicked through then I came across it:

_2nd April 2005_

_Dear Kailyn,_

_If your reading this then I guess you sneaked into my room without me knowing and stole it! You probably thought this was an average diary. Well, it isn't. I write my feelings in here, sure! But I also write other stuff. Like…well…_

_I've wanted to tell you something for a long time now. You see, I don't know how to say this. You might be mad or angry with me, because I haven't told you, and I don't want that. I can't tell you. I'm afraid you'll laugh or say something to me. Plus I know how much you're against all this sort of thing._

_Ok I'm gonna come out and say it now. Ok, I've become a religious dude, Bible bashing, God loving, Bible abiding freak. Ok I said it. There. Are you mad at me yet? I guess I'd better explain myself. I became a Christian about 3 months from now. You probably haven't noticed much change in me. I haven't plucked up the courage to go to church yet, well because I have to come up across Dad about it, and you know what he's like! So, yeah anyway, I'm going to a festival in August. I really haven't plucked up the courage to ask you yet. But I will soon. I don't want to push you into anything you don't want. But, it's for the best. Honest._

I stopped reading. It was starting to freak me out. It was in such detail of his feelings and his plans for the future I couldn't go on. He made it obvious to me he wanted me to become a Christian. But it just wasn't practical. All this praying and going by the rules of some book, it just wasn't me. Suddenly my brother wanted me, the most inappropriate person he knew, to become a Christian! I was far from believing there was a God. If there was, look what He'd done to the world. It was in a terrible state. All the pollution, wars and death it was terrible! If He was all-powerful or whatever, he could stop all of these. The world is in a terrible state! I looked at the front page; it was crammed with addresses and phone numbers. Where did they all come from? Ryan never hung around with friends; he was always at home! There was so much more to Ryan than I ever knew.

" Kailyn, can you come in here a sec." My mum called from Ryan's room. I reluctantly left my room and walked across the corridor.

" Yes?" I asked walking in. I went into Ryan's room a lot before he died. But this time I actually looked at the posters on the walls, stuff lying around. I sighed.

" I know Kay. But we have to get it sorted out." Dad sympathetically said from the window.

" Anyway, we wondered if you wanted anything from his room?" Mum asked. I looked around. I couldn't think of anything in particular. I had the diary. " We'll give you a sec if you want us to?" I nodded. Mum nudged Dad in the ribs and he followed her obediently out of the room.

I sighed once more. I looked on the shelves and in the draws. Nothing took my eye in particular, a few books. I looked under his mattress, where Ryan kept his most secret things, such as his diary. I saw two books. A small notebook, on the front was written 'Private'. I decided that I knew just about everything about Ryan now. One small book really couldn't change anything. Near the notebook lay a larger blue book. I had an idea in my mind what it was, but I picked it up and looked anyway. It was a Bible. On the front it read a mixture of words. Although I didn't want it, I couldn't risk Dad seeing it, I picked up Ryan's favourite t-shirt and covered the Bible with it.

As I left the room I could hear Mum crying again. I wasn't crying anymore. Not because I wasn't sad. Don't get me wrong I was still sad. But I don't know, the pain seemed to have gone. I can't say what I was feeling, I was still sad and I still loved and wanted Ryan back but, like I said, there was no more pain inside of me.

The phone began to ring. I put Ryan's things into the draw beside my bed and ran downstairs.

" Hi, Kailyn here!" I said cheerfully.

" Hey! It's Lor. You sound tons better!" She replied.

" How did you…?"

She laughed. " You live in the same house as Ryan does!"

" Did." I corrected.

She ignored my last comment. " I was wondering if you want to come to the park? Me and some mates are going, and I think it might do you good to come out."

" I don't know." I said, who did she think she was my mother? "I haven't been out since, you know. And plus I don't know you very well. No offence"

" Exactly!" She exclaimed. " Come anyway. 2 o'clock ok? See you there!"

" Maybe, bye!"

I placed the receiver down. I went to the kitchen where Mum and Dad were. Mum had finished crying now and was stirring her tea continuously. She had a dazed expression on her face, as if she as cut off form the world. What was it about tea? Adults have a strange obsession with it! Tea, for every occasion!

" I'm going out in about an hour to the park. Is that ok?"

" For God's sake Kailyn!" Dad shouted angrily, looking up over his paper. " Your brother has just died and you're already organising your social life!"

" Leave it Tom. Mum argued back. She turned to me. " You can go."

" Sarah! You should back me up! She shouldn't leave her family at this time!" He argued once again.

" What do you want to do Tom? Lock her in the house? Tell her what to do? It's up to her when she goes out, not up to you to tell us when to show our faces! I'm her mother and I'm saying, no I'm telling you, SHE GOES!"

" I've had enough of this!" Dad said. He grabbed his coat, walked out of the kitchen door and slammed the front door behind him. Mum put her head in her hands and sighed. She began to cry again. I went over and hugged her. I felt helpless. My whole world was crumbling down around me, first Ryan and now Mum and Dad.

I turned to go back upstairs. I may as well listen to music or something. I wanted to read Ryan's diary again. But, perhaps not the part I had read before. I wanted to know more about him. I was so confused. I curled up onto my bed and fell asleep.

By the time I woke up it was almost 2:30pm.

" Bugger." I muttered under my breath. " Stupid dreams." I'd dreamt about Ryan. We were away together. He had told me everything in the letter except in person. Then Lauren had come up behind him and said something in his ear. He then said to me 'Dew for 39.' Then I'd woken up. It made no sense. Dew for 39? Sounded like bet on the horse Dew on the 39th race or something. I shrugged off my thoughts and grabbed my bag.

" Mum I'm off out to the park now." I called whilst running down the stairs. "Mum?" I came to the bottom of the stairs and went into the lounge. I couldn't see her. "Mum!" I shouted in frustration. "Argh!" I grabbed the notepad and scribbled a quick message. I ran out of the door and slammed it behind me.

"Damn it! Keys." I mumbled to myself. The park wasn't far away, perhaps 10 minutes if you walk. I was doing a sort of half walk half run when I bumped into Lauren.

" Kailyn! I didn't think you were coming." She said to me.

" Me neither. But I fell asleep and had a bizarre dream with you in. And I woke up and realised I should be at the park."

" Happens to me a lot!" She exclaimed. " I was just on my way to the shop for some ice cream. You wanna come?"

" Yeah why not?" I said and changed my direction.

We walked a little way in silence. There wasn't really much to talk about. I couldn't complain about the weather as the temperature had soared. We kept walking in silence until we came to the footpath, a shortcut through to the shops.

" How have you been?" She asked inquisitively.

" Fine." I answered. She sensed my lack of truth.

" Really?" She asked once more.

" Well, you know…" I hesitated and she nodded. " Mum and Dad aren't getting on well at the moment. And that isn't really helping in the circumstances." She looked down at her shoes. I was shocked, no comments, no Bible verses! Now it was my turn to sense something was wrong. " But you're not ok are you?"

She laughed to herself. " You've known me a day and you can already read my like a book. No, I'm fine. Honestly, don't worry about it."

I shrugged. It wasn't my place to interfere if she didn't want to say anything. We reached the shops and picked up several ice creams. We then headed back to the park.

" I'm having a party, sleepover thing." She hesitated. " I don't know if you wanna come. But if you do, you're more than welcome, it's tomorrow night."

I thought for a second. " Yeah sure. It' be good to get out of the house. I don't know if Dad will let me though. He's been all uptight about me leaving the house."

She nodded and we walked back to the park in silence. I wondered who she was at the park with. Were they all Christians too? I hoped not. I didn't want to be dragged into a religious debate.

We approached a gang of guys and girls. A couple of them appeared to be a lot older than me; others seemed my sort of age. As we got closer a few looked up and smiled.

Another girl jumped up and gave Lauren a hug.

" My ice cream!" Her face beamed like a little girl.

" Lou, this is Kailyn, Ryan's sister." Lauren introduced me.

" Great to meet you! Sorry about your brother. I would give you a hug, but I don't want to melt my ice-cream." I smiled. Lou seemed like quite a forward and in your face kind of girl, but I'm sure she was nice all the same.

" Ok everyone! I got ice creams!" Lauren smiled. " Oh yeah, and I want you to all meet Kailyn, she's Ryan's sister." I got a 'hi' from everyone as they got their ice creams from Lauren and me. We say down in the group. It was a big group, perhaps 15 people.

" Hey Kailyn! What church you go to?" Lou asked.

I turned to her and kind of looked to Lauren for a bit of support as well. " I don't go to church."

" Oh." She paused. " Sorry I assumed, cos Ryan was a Christian and all that. Sorry." She apologised.

" Lou you're intimidating the poor girl!" She laughed. " She's coming tomorrow."

The oldest guy in the group stood up, he was about 18. " Ok guys! Listen up! Shut up Marc!" The group went quiet. " I think everyone is in agreement with me that we all want to say that we're really sorry for Kailyn to hear about Ryan. He was an awesome guy." The others nodded in agreement and there were muffled sounds of 'sorry' from the group. " Also! By the way Kailyn I'm Simon. Before you start chatting again. I want to say that Thursday, day after tomorrow for those of you who don't know your days, we're gonna meet here again ok?"

" Yes Sir!" Answered the guy Marc who had previously been told to shut up. The group began talking again.

Simon came over to me. " Hey, I don't know if Lauren has said anything to you about us?"

I shook my head. It was gonna be some Christian meeting I could sense it coming.

" Well we meet here usually every Tuesday during the holidays. Most of us are Christians. We just mostly have a chat about stuff that's bothering us. You can come again if you like. Like I said, I'm really sorry about Ryan. He was a great guy, put a smile on everyone's face." He said sympathetically.

I really didn't want to hear it. I really wasn't in the mood to be told how good Ryan was. I was hoping coming out here would make me forget about Ryan. Several people after Simon came to me personally to tell me how sorry they were. I just nodded in agreement to them all. They were making me feel depressed again. I had the big lump in my throat all over again. But I couldn't cry here. Not now. I held it in for at least 3 minutes. But my vision became filled with tears.

Lauren looked over to me. " I'm just going to the loo everyone." She announced to the group. She turned to me. " You want to come?"

I nodded and we walked off to the grotty smelly park loos. All the time I couldn't stop crying, again. I was doing the embarrassing massive gulps of air. They were painted a vile yellow inside. Lauren grabbed some tissue from one of the rolls.

" I'm sorry." I said. " I haven't cried for ages. But they are all going on about Ryan and talking about the festival and it started me off."

" No it's my fault. If I hadn't have persuaded you to come you wouldn't feel so uncomfortable." She apologised. " Do you want to go home?"

I nodded. " Yeah."

She hugged me. " I'm really sorry. You wanna go on your own?"

I nodded again and left her inside the toilets. I ran across the park and back down the road. Tears streaming down my face.


End file.
